I feel like I have to put a disclaimer on this because inevitably someone will take what I say personally, or the wrong way. Below I share some thoughts about religion (my lack of actually) and nothing I say is meant to question your beliefs or you as a person. These are just my thoughts and my own experiences, and it's important to me that you know that I respect ALL of you, all of your beliefs, and your right to practice, or to not practice any religion you so choose. The beauty of this world is that we are all so different, and I love that this is a safe place for me to share pieces of my life. Thank you.
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There have been times in my life where I so badly wished I could believe in god. Any god, really. Your god, the god my friends believe in. And believe me, I've tried. I grew up going to church and learning all about it, I looked up into those rafters and waited to hear a voice. I went to confessional and told the priest all about the things I did wrong, my 8-year-old imagination running wild, imagining God to be right behind that little door. If I opened it would I see him? If I did all my Hail Marys would he appear? But he didn't. And I understand that faith is about faith- in about believing that there is someone, something there...but for me that belief just never took root.
It's a gray area for me in a way though, because sometimes I think there has to be something, you know? Energies swirling around when we die, finding a new home in the ground, the trees, the blue blue sky. Maybe all of it gets put back into the atmosphere and becomes part of everything we are and do. Maybe. Hank on the other hand, believes that when we die, we die. There is no afterlife, no energy taking root in a new home, that it is just the end. And I can see that being the case, much more than I can see a perfect heaven that is designed from all of our hopes and dreams...but I just don't know.
I'm fascinated with religion though. Many of my friends are Christian and I always find it interesting to hear what they believe and why they do. I think it's amazing that they have that kind of faith and can just believe, be it Christianity or Buddhism or whatever else. I love learning about all of it, but in the same breath my thoughts go to all of the bad in the world and it doesn't make sense to me. It never will. I don't understand why children get sick and die, why horrible accidents happen and why wars and genocide and whatever other bad, terrible things I could name here take place. WHY. And so my mind can't grasp it, I can't believe that some old book written by old men could ever be the blueprint for how I'm supposed to live my life. I can't believe that we should ever tell anyone else who to marry or how to live, or make someone else feel bad for living outside of what we believe to be the "right" way to live.
There have been so many times in my life I wanted so badly to lean on something, to pray to someone. When my Grandma died I wished I knew where she went. But I didn't- I don't. I have no idea. And when all 19 of our firefighters died, and Andrew was just gone, it was shocking to me to hear people say there was a reason for it- it was God's plan. No. Nanny, Andrew, Kendall. I don't know where they are. I don't know if everything they did in their life determined some sort of afterlife. And I have no idea if I'll ever see them again. Honestly, I don't believe I ever will.
So what do I believe in? I believe in science. And I believe in doing the right thing and being kind. And I believe that there is a reason things happen and that the universe has a plan, at least sometimes. I believe that we get what we put out there, and at times I do think that karma must be real. I'm well aware I contradict myself and sometimes these beliefs don't make sense to me either. And maybe that's all this part of my life will ever be. Constantly questioning, not really knowing. And maybe at the very end of my life I'll find that there is something there, that all along it was right in front of me. Maybe I'll find out I was completely wrong but if you want to know the truth...I'm pretty sure we'll ALL be wrong.
I'll keep on this journey though, reading and thinking and questioning. I'll keep living this life as if it's all I've got, this here and now. I'll make decisions based on what I believe to be true and right, and love as hard as I can. And really, that's enough for me. If this one life is all I have I want to do it right and do it with love. Because at the end of the day that's what I believe in and focus everything on- love and love and love.
Thank you for reading my thoughts. <3
*read more about this topic on this blog here and here.
and more on this topic, not on this blog here and here.
(be sure to click that last link if you have a moment)
and more on this topic, not on this blog here and here.
(be sure to click that last link if you have a moment)
