Today I am thanking my body- the same body I used to look at in the mirror, up and down and narrow my eyes a bit, angry at something, someone, myself. Why are you like that? Why are you like this? Be smaller, be different, be the way I want you to be. I remember in college, one time before a spring break with girlfriends, I drank diet drinks for a week straight to be something other than I was. Smaller, different, better. I'd skip meals, eating only when I had to, something in my brain telling me that diminishing everything in my life, including myself, would make me happy. And it's weird, during that time I don't ever remembering feeling unhappy; in fact it was quite the opposite, at least on whatever level I was operating on. Even looking back it feels strangely simple (and sad): somewhere in my mind I was just led to believe that this is just what you do in order to be your best self- you under eat and over exercise, and this is how you do it. It was normal to me, and to most of my friends too. Looking back now at one particular winter, it was like I was underwater, eyes open, trying to look to the other side of a chlorinated pool. Clear sure, but the more I tried to focus, the worse it got. Cloudy. Hazy. Lost.
Even to write this makes me sad. But in order to love ourselves, we must love our entire story, right? I believe that. So onwards and upwards, to today.
Today I do all things with love. I look at myself and feel grateful. I climb a mountain and I feel strong. I carry my children and I feel like this is why I am here. My body takes me from one place to another- I run long distances and dance across a room and hike trails with the boys and jump up from my seat to hug a friend. Movement. Strength. I now eat to nourish myself. I lift weights to feel happy, I run to clear my mind. I practice yoga for all of the above.
I stand here in this place, not too far from that place, and look back with kindness at that girl. I sit here in bed and type this, taking a deep breath and feeling it move through my entire self- this body of mine that I once wanted so badly to be anything than what it was. But I'm here now, and it feels so good to love the here so hard. Saying thank you every chance I get, to this rad, strong body and all it does. Making up for lost time maybe, but I think with love, it's never too late. Grateful. Soaking it all up. And excited for what else I can learn and do. Here's to the next...
